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I spent the last two nights sucked into livejournal trying to figure out where it all went wrong. And holy shit balls it's always been wrong. I want to say, whether it was intentional or not, and I'm sure it wasn't, the last 7 years we're mentally abusive. I was played like a pawn. Kid looses father, older guy steps in to parent said child. I looked up to him. Him being ridiculously controlling was all covered up by the fact that he was "mature" and "had his shit together" and everything he did was right and everything I did was wrong. I hate myself for not seeing what was happening. I hate myself for spending so many years in so much torture. It sounds dramatic but when I think back on it and read journal entries, it was nothing but pure agony. When the times were good they were GOOD. And I guess that made up for when things were bad. He really made me laugh and we had so much in common and just generally appreciated the little things. But good lord there was so much bad. I was caught in a never-ending catch-22. He wanted me to be more independent but at the same time kept me dependent by making every decision I made out to be the wrong decision. And the lectures. My god the lectures. On EVERYTHING. Ever since I met him, he was lecturing me on how I spent my money, how I spent my time, where I placed my values. And looking back on it, I was operating at such a dark, dark place. I hated myself, truly. I didn't think I was capable of anything. I didn't think I deserved anyones love. I was disgusted with myself and why I was put here. Don't get me wrong, there were brief flickers of I'm so amazing, I have a purpose, etc. But I was drowning in self-doubt. And that made it so easy for him. I always wondered why he was with me. Because he seemed perfectly content not putting any effort into our relationship. And now I realize, all he needed was to be the center of someone else's world. And that's what he got. I was obsessed. I mean, can you blame me? I met him one year after my dad passed, which was probably an even darker time than the months immediately after. I was completely numb, I couldn't bring myself to socialize with people, I just wanted to escape everything. And here this guy comes who's into all the same shit I'm into - keep in mind I'm in Charleston, SC. There is no one remotely similar to me. And then I get high off of love. Also keep in mind that we are both extremely unhappy and drowning our brains in booze for the first year of our relationship. A connection has been formed. And I'm clinging on for dear life because I cannot bear to lose another important figure in my life. This explains why everytime we fought all of my grief from my dad would surface and I would crumble.

So we stay together through college, I move with him to California, I move in with his parents, and for the next year he basically disowns me. I could never remember what happened in California, but I remember it being one of the most painful times of my life. And I would always bring it up to him, how bad he hurt me back there, without specifically being able to recall what happened. But now that I look back at my LJ entries, it's clear. I couldn't get him to hug me, let alone hold my hand, or talk to me. When I asked for some affection he would flip out like I was smothering him. He would make plans to go out to happy hour every Friday night with his friends and I was indefinitely not invited - no if and or buts. I would be home sick and he would be out doing something I really wanted to go to - and he would periodically text me letting me know how awesome it was. Oh and then, when he promised me he would come home right after to hang out, he actually went out to some party afterwards instead. He was a complete piece of shit. All the while lecturing me on how I didn't have my life together because I was freelance blogging from home instead of having a real job like him. He somehow even convinced our therapist that I was the real problem and she told me that I should start coming in for sessions and we could stop couples counseling.

So all of that happened, and we decided to move back to DC. Or rather, Matt decided. Because Matt got a job. Same bullshit continues in DC and at this point I'm just trying to hold on because we have a vacation scheduled with his family and I also would feel terrible breaking up with someone who just moved and has no friends/connections. So then in comes Jordan. An easy escape. Someone who actually pays attention to me and makes me feel special. An easy escape. So I give in because I'm 100% convinced I don't want my relationship to continue and also, fuck this person who hurt me so bad. But before you know it, I'm getting lectures from another man about how I live my life and jesus what is UP with this shit? So I no longer try with Matt and he clearly notices and we talk and he promises to change. And he does, and now I'm left with this crippling guilt.

On to 2013 where we in a semi-good place. Until we get hit by a car. Matt's got it easy because he only has an ambulance bill and a doctor's visit. Whereas I have all of these xray bills piling up and no idea how to pay them because the guy ghosted. It was a horrible time feeling crippled and feeling like your safety net got ripped out from under you. And I'm balling in his apartment from the stress / shock of it all and I'm trying to confide in him and he just offers no support of any kind. His response was more or less grow up. And anytime I wanted to be taken care of in any way, he would just point out that he was injured to. Yea...not to the point where you can't walk like me. Your back is bruised, cool. Then we reached some breaking point at the end of 2013 I believe where he got shitfaced and yelled at me and I wasnt having it anymore. I walked out with the intention of never seeing him again. I went over to his place the next night to read my break up note to him - about how he was the last person I felt like I could ever depend on or confide in. And again, he promised to change. He said he only acted those ways because we didn't spend enough time together. And that's when we made plans to move in together.

Living together I will admit was bliss. It was so much fun. But when you compare it to where I came from - living with my mom - I guess anything would have been. But no, those two years leading up to our engagement were amazing. I felt like we had finally made it through all of the bullshit. And I convinced myself all of the bullshit was normal bs couples go through. But 2015 started getting rocky. First, we went on a trip to the OBX where he did what Matt always does on vacation, which is pretend he doesn't have a girlfriend, completely ignore me, and then mansplain to me that I'm super demanding when I ask for some attention. Then the arguments about the Miata started. Matt was fine sharing in the Miata's expenses until we had to take it in for repairs. I think it was a small repair that was like $200, and after that he just up and decided cars weren't for him. Which he knew would fuck me over because I couldn't afford to costs on my own. There was no discussion. He just got up one day and decided no. And back when we were both sharing it, I asked him to make an appointment with the car repair shop before the snow hit and he put it off and put it off until finally I did it. His excuse? He's too busy. Really? You're so busy and important you can't find 5 minutes of free time during your workday to call? But my time is less valuable right? So I can call. And then when I do, I get absolutely no credit for it. I'm still a child who doesn't know how to do anything.

Oh and then there were the chores. It was quite clear in our household, I clean EVERYTHING every Sunday (all of the rooms + the shower) and all you have to do is vacuum and take out the trash. And every Sunday, it would get to be Sunday night, and his piece still wasn't done, and I would be like... so when is this happening? That turned into "I don't do it because you always nag me!". And then it got to the point where I wouldn't say shit to him, but here I would be doing the dishes after a long day at work while he sat on the couch and played video games with his friends. Or how I would have to nag him for months to do the ONE thing I asked him to do. And he didn't understand that my brain would constantly remind me of that thing every day until he did it. But did he care? Fuck no.

And anytime I brought up any of our issues to him, all it ever came back to was "well you spend all of your time on your computer and no time with me". Oh, I'm sorry that I have another job. It doesn't seem to matter that I don't hear from you all day while you're at work cause you're all big and important, but when I'm supposed to sacrafice my job for you? In the end, as much as he said it didn't matter, I know he had no respect for me when it came to my job. And I knew our values were totally off. He put all of his effort into his career and I put all of mine into my relationships. He's like one of those guys who thinks all he has to do for his family is go to work and bring home money, but not put any effort into the actual relationship.

Anyways, I'm not sure what happened at the beginning of 2016. I started pushing him away more and more and doing things on my own more and more. It started to dawn on me that the things he was saying about me just weren't true. Like he was still treating me like a child, and still telling me I couldn't do anything on my own, when here I had before me all of this evidence that it wasn't true. And I think that made me start to question everything. I started pushing myself to make friends at work just so I could have my own life and spend less time at home. And of course, then I met Jim, who I honestly didn't think was anything more than a friend until I met up with him one night, and he held my hand, and for the first time in my entire life I felt like someone was truly going to take care of me. All in just a brief hand hold. After that, my relationship meant shit. I still remember coming home from a concert with Matt, and we just weren't cliquing, and he asked me what was wrong, and I told him straight up - I don't know what purpose you serve in my life anymore. I mean honestly - you don't take care of me when I'm sick, you don't listen to anything I have to say, especially when I'm talking about my father. I mean, I RARELY confide in people, and to be with someone that will sing - SING - in the middle of you confiding in them about your dead father - just because they don't want to talk about it. WTF is wrong with me? Or that time we were at the Caps game and I started retelling this memory with my dad and he actually was annoyed with me because it made him miss a play in the game. He never picked me up from anywhere - not even the airport - not even the HOSPITAL. All of these things, they ate away at me. As they should. At the end, all I had left was hatred disguised as love. And I still hate him. I don't want to hate him, I'm exhausted. That Pearl Jam song Black is just too true. All of my fond memories of him have all been ruined by this overwhelming hatred for realizing how badly I was treated, how much I was controlled, how much I could have loved myself if I didn't have this person telling me I was doing such a shitty job being an adult. And that's why I really cheated. Because I was backed into a corner, and all I wanted was to see my full potential and I knew I couldn't realize it with him. I knew I couldn't grow if I stayed with him. Yes, I took the easy way out and he didn't deserve that. I just - I wish I had time apart from him to realize all of this. But I still don't know if I would have been strong enough to end it on my own terms. He just had too much control. The only reason I'm not in this relationship anymore is because HE ended it. I begged to stay.

And since it ended I've never been more confident or more in love with myself. I crave independence now. I like surprising myself with what I can do instead of living within the box of someones expectations of me. It's been a ridiculous transformation, even though no one else sees it. The thoughts in my head are radically different. There is so much less self-loathing and negative self talk.

All I want to do now is block out the past 8 years. I just want to pretend like they don't exist. I keep hoping if I write about it enough, I won't talk about it anymore. I'm so sick of talking about it. I keep feeling like if I talk it all out, I can talk it out of happening. And I can't. And I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring him up anymore. And I don't want to feel guilty any more. And I don't want to feel bitter and taken advantage of. How do I get over it? How do I move forward with my life and stop looking for ways to justify the past? 
19 September 2013 @ 07:53 pm
i legit hate my family
like legit legit
i think im ready to move away and not tell them where i went
and never speak to them again
im done with pleasantries
i have no interest in making small talk with you
and pretending that i am related to you in any way
there is no unconditional love left to give
07 August 2013 @ 10:40 pm

Im just so over everything right now! Aaaaaahhhh.

04 August 2013 @ 01:04 am

Everythings about to fall apart now isnt it?

27 June 2013 @ 12:04 am
damn, I haven't written in this thing since October??
I figured I would start again since I love looking back on old journal entries just to figure out where your head was at
finally found one of the few journal entries I made after my dad died
apparently I didn't do a whole lot of writing then
I wish I had because I've sort of blocked out what happened
that whole year up until I met matt was kind of a giant blur
things were normal but not normal at all

tonight was absolutely perfect
i did everything I wanted to do
after work, hope and I went to Mussel Bar in Bethesda, one of my favorite places
we shared some mussels and frites like the bffs we are and just caught up on our lives
so nice to just sit down with someone who understands you completely
and a) actually be able to hear each other speak and b) actually feel like the other person is listening
I'm having a hard time lately relating to matt and his socialness
and he is having a pretty hard time figuring out my anti-socialness
I will never be someone who can go to party after party and shoot the shit and tell the same story about myself over and over
I walk away from all of it exhausted and lonelier than ever before
I hate the idea that we have to boil ourselves down to a few easily digestible sentences
I'm not someone that can be explained in a few sentences
my job does not define me
that and I'm terrible at expressing myself through speaking
I'm still terrible at talking to my boyfriend and best friend
speaking still is as painful as writing an essay
I'm willing to bare my soul to anyone, getting it out of me is the hard part
I went to my brother's party on friday and a couple hours in I had just had enough
love tank full, time to go home
social needs fulfilled
matt recharges by being social, whereas I recharge by being alone
its funny how things turned out this way
I guess if a girl stays home enough days throughout enough years crying over not having people to hang out with
eventually she creates a nice little cocoon for herself and doesn't want to come out

I saw the Great Gatsby tonight with home
all about chasing that money
thats how I feel now
it has been depressing me for weeks now but I finally feel like the depressing is lifting a bit
Feeling apathetic about everything is one of the only things that really motivates me
I felt like I hit rock bottom and the feeling wasn't going anywhere
I felt like a caricature of myself, still do kind of
just going through the motions, hoping one day I'll wake up and get my feelings back
sometimes it just feels like there's so many moving parts to this world
it's easy to forget what exactly your role is
it's even harder without having a religion
a big part of me wants my spirituality back
I want to believe in god, I want that sense of purpose back
but something in me just rejects it immediately
i decided one day I had to sort out exactly what I believed in
my head was too full of contradictory beliefs that I kept putting off to be sorted out
that day I did a lot of research and stumbled upon hinduism
the religion holds basically all of my beliefs in a nice little package
still, something within me will not accept it
i haven't quite figured out what is going on there
i wish I could stop the feeling of thinking that I'm just aimlessly walking around
I guess working two jobs you don't care too much for will do that to a person
a big part of me wants to ditch everything, move to a cute little apartment in venice, and throw myself into the music industry
but there are always obligations and fears
promises that you made
so for now, just baby steps for me
i have a lot of goals to catch up on
and I'm hoping by the time I read these journal entries next year, much will have been accomplished and much will have been changed
12 October 2012 @ 06:40 pm
i havent felt like this really since highschool
i hate feeling so rejected
i feel so upset right now and ive forgotten what there is to do with this emotion
16 August 2012 @ 07:21 pm
trying to stay afloat
working 2 jobs and still not making enough to pay off my credit card debt, let alone save a dime
and trying to get used to never talking to my boyfriend ever
all very weird

I alone am the one you don't know you need 
Take heed, feed your ego. 
Make me blind when your eyes close, 
Sink when you get close, tie me to the bedpost. 

13 August 2012 @ 08:14 pm
I want someone to know me
Maybe tell me who I am

I want you to love me like you did before you knew me

16 July 2012 @ 04:15 pm

Love is my biggest life cop-out

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

13 July 2012 @ 02:07 pm
currently feeling like a horrible, psychotic person
this indecisiveness is such a huge burden
as is my high concern for other peoples feelings
from experience though, when i think i can have it all, i end up with nothing